Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Hot Panini is in big trouble

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

No, YOUR illiterate.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.