Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

THIS HEADLINE

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

canadian assassins are called killergrams