Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie