Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti