Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

one week till the election

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*