Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Probably my best painting.