Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
North and South
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I WON A HAM TODAY
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex