Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?