Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
the internet really was better 18 years ago
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?