Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

I only treason on days ending in y

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.