Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.