Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.