Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

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tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium


science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”


breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also


*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.


The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.


Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’


[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift


My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”


Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.