tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.