ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
