Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!