Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
You Might Also Like
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
the simulation is moving too fast
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Grandpa
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>