Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.