Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
how to have fun when you’re poor
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
problems i need
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*