Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
i think both sides are to blame here
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
When I laugh on my period
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.