Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
You Might Also Like
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Saturday
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.