Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I fixed it. For me
next question.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
A great first step 😂
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer