Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

welp

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.