Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT