Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

japanese corn

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.