Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?