me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit