me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You Might Also Like
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.