me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
You Might Also Like
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?