me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions