Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

how long have you had this for?

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

#SCOTUS one-star review

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?