Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.