me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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S/o to @funTweeters .
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.