me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?