Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Best mom ever 😂

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.