ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.


A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.


Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.


What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.


To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.


Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.


When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.


I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.


early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing