Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.