Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

My life in a nutshell

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

i smell a pulitzer

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*