Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

A recipe for laughter

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Your honor these allegations are