Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My god she’s good.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.