Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Cats are still liquid.