Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.