Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

make up your mind

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS