Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
doing your own taxes
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick