Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Love is always patient and kind.