@ddsmidt

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

You Might Also Like

@tbhjuststop

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@jordangerous

Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.

@sammyrhodes

I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.

@ginadivittorio

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.