@ddsmidt

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

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@McGrumpenstein

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

@ThugRaccoons

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

@lmegordon

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

@TheHatStore

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

@KMoFlo_official

I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.

@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

@Reverend_Scott

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS