CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.
I have a book to read on
I bought it in 2007.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS