me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.