me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*