me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
There are no pants in heaven.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.