me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Twitter fine art
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
*limbos under the caution tape
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)