Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body