Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

The United Steaks of America

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

an airline just for babies.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.