Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.