Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

the composer

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!