Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

This is my emotional support knife.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”