Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.