Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
waiting for halloween be like:
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
notice
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.