Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me