A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
accurate
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”