Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now