Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?