Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

I’m just playing devils avocado here

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Bro what is this

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.