Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.