Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

hey, alexa

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk