Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

OH. COME. ON.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?