Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Fruity

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

A small tragedy.

😏😏😏

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]