Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

twitter users today:

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults