Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mandolin: finally a violin for men

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea