Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

sliding into dms like

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]