Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

This kinda thing happens to me often

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.