Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
You Might Also Like
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.