Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
😜
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
shazam but for random noises outside
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot