[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Barbie gone wild
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.