Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

constantly working on myself.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

❤️❤️❤️

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*