Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
one week till the election
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
yes… yes…
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…