Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

getting seasonal up in here

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.