ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Breaking news:
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
the duality of man
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot